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Why do you work as a career development professional?
Without knowing you, we would speculate that it is primarily because you enjoy it, because it aligns with your values, or because you care deeply about helping others enrich their careers and lives. However, like any emotional work, this helping profession can become exhausting if we do not maintain a balance between taking care of others and taking care of ourselves.
When this balance gets disrupted, we risk feeling overwhelmed, harboring resentment toward our clients and wanting to quit altogether. It is therefore crucial to preserve this balance, as it ensures our resilience in our professional practice. Boundaries are a key tool to regain control of our time, energy and other resources, and to live in alignment with our values and needs.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a limit we set to protect ourselves and our space. It’s about knowing where we end and others begin. Boundaries can be physical (like personal space) or emotional (like how much energy we give to others). They help define what’s acceptable and protect our well-being in different areas of life, like work, relationships and social media.
Geneviève Taylor and Gabrielle Beaupré will be presenting on “Beyond Self-care: Building Self-compassion into Your Career Development Practice” at CERIC’s Cannexus25 conference, taking place virtually and in-person in Ottawa, Jan. 27-29.
Bringing yourself back into balance
A life without healthy boundaries becomes chaotic, unsatisfying and meaningless. In a world where physical boundaries are increasingly blurred, particularly with the advent of new technologies and remote work, it becomes essential to establish boundaries. For example, we might feel like we never really “disconnect” from work unless we intentionally set a boundary between our personal and professional realms.
How to establish personal boundaries
Many people were never taught how to set boundaries when they were growing up. Therefore, it makes sense that they do not to know how to go about it. Here are some tips on how to start setting clear and healthy boundaries in your life, drawn from our book, La présence attentive et l’autocompassion au service de la carrière: moi, pm pratique, ma clientèle, to be published at the end of January 2025 by Septembre Éditeur.
1. Reflect on your current boundaries
Before setting new boundaries, it is important to take a moment to reflect on the different areas of your life where boundaries are important, such as family, work, romantic relationships, friendships and technology.
Identify situations where you wanted to say no but didn’t. Which areas require better boundary management on your part? Make a list of the situations where you would like to establish new boundaries.
2. Practise self-compassion
Self-compassion is being kind to yourself – validating and supporting yourself when you feel like you’ve failed. It also involves recognizing our shared humanity; our difficulties do not separate us from others but are rather part of the human experience.
Self-compassion also includes mindfulness – observing our thoughts, sensations and emotions without judgment, and allowing them to exist without getting attached to them. By practising self-compassion, we learn to validate our own experience, recognize our real needs and get the courage to fulfill those needs, which makes it easier to set boundaries.
For example, if you feel exhausted, you can take a mini self-compassion break to feel that fatigue (mindfulness), remind yourself that we all experience these moments (shared humanity) and speak to yourself kindly (e.g. “It’s okay to take a 5-minute break to breathe, you can do this”) (self-kindness). This will help you set a boundary by deciding to be unavailable (e.g. closing your office door or putting your phone on airplane mode) at certain times to avoid constantly feeling exhausted.
3. Say ‘no’ more often to say ‘yes’ to yourself
Learning to say no is one of the keys to setting boundaries (although not the only one). Having prepared responses or scripts can be very helpful for this. Here are some examples taken from our book:
- The phrase “Yes. What should I set aside so that I can take this on?”: If a request from your supervisor prevents you from prioritizing your other tasks, ask this question. It forces them to assess the importance of their request in relation to your other tasks.
- Mention what you are willing to do: This allows you to set a boundary while offering an alternative. For example, “I can’t meet to discuss the project right now, but you can review my notes if you like.”
- Communicate a promise you’ve made to yourself: Clearly express that you’ve reserved time for yourself, such as, “I would love to come, but I promised myself I wouldn’t add anything to my schedule today.”
4. Tolerate guilt and discomfort
Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially in close relationships, and it’s normal to feel guilty. However, feeling guilt doesn’t mean you’re hurting the other person; it just means you’re trying something new. By practising self-compassion, you can move past the guilt and set boundaries that are important for your well-being.
5. Expect negative reactions from others
Some people may react negatively when you set boundaries, especially if they are not used to hearing “no.” It is important not to let the fear of these reactions dictate your behaviour.
Here are some strategies for managing these reactions:
- Reaffirm your boundaries with confidence: If someone doesn’t respect your boundary, calmly repeat it.
- Mention the incident in real-time: Explain that your boundary wasn’t respected.
- Accept that the other person may have a reaction: Even if it’s disappointing, the other person is entitled to their reaction. Don’t take it personally.
- Manage your discomfort: It may be hard to tolerate others’ reactions, but it’s important to keep in mind that you have the right (and owe it to yourself) to set that boundary.
It’s important to mention that, in the workplace, external pressures can make boundary-setting difficult. To handle this, focus on open communication, framing your boundary in a way that benefit both parties (e.g. taking on fewer clients will allow you to give a higher quality service) and prioritizing your well-being.
In conclusion, boundaries are crucial tools for building resilience in both personal and professional life. While setting them takes time, self-reflection and self-compassion, they help create a balanced life aligned with our needs and values, leading to greater peace and fulfillment, and ultimately, a better relationship with our clients.
Resources for further reading:
- Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Tawab
- When the Body Says No by Dr. Gabor Maté
- Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff
- Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy; goodinside.com