I am fortunate to have the opportunity to work with many accomplished female leaders through my coaching practice. These women are formidable – many of them C-suite executives, leaders of large teams or leading experts in their fields.
And yet, no matter their background, no matter their accomplishments, no matter their industry, almost all of them use the same phrase when speaking about their day-to-day realities: I wish.
I wish I felt more confident.
I wish I could say “no” to external demands and say “yes” to myself.
I wish I could just do it all.
I wish I felt I was good enough.
These women are at the top of their companies and the top of their fields – and they are also burned out, overwhelmed and want more for themselves. They know something needs to change but they don’t know how to accomplish it.
Have you caught yourself making these kinds of “I wish” statements? From what I’ve observed in my clients, almost all women experience these feelings. You’re far from alone in this experience. But this does not mean that you have to accept it.
A great gift of my work as a coach is that I get to bear witness to these women’s transformations. In our work together, we go through a framework that helps them to envision the reality they want to reach, and then lay down the foundation to get themselves from “I wish” to “I’m there.”
I call this framework the Four C’s. This model will challenge you to undergo some “me-search” and reflect on who you are, what you love and how to focus your efforts.
Clarity
There is a lot of pressure on women to get it “right” and keep everything in perfect balance, as if this is something that even exists. There’s no such thing as a perfect balance! There is no universal “right” or “wrong” in setting your priorities and boundaries. I have witnessed far too many women leaders living under the weight of guilt for all the things they believe they “should” be able to keep in balance.
The truth is, no one can take on everything all by themselves. When you set yourself free of this myth, you can stop fretting over doing everything right and instead reflect on what it looks like to focus on the things that are right for you.
This starts with exploring questions such as:
- Who am I?
- Who do I want to be?
- What’s working in my life right now? What isn’t?
“The truth is, no one can take on everything all by themselves.”
The phrase “I should” signals that something is out of alignment with your personal guideposts. Listen to it, and take a moment to reflect on what your self-talk is trying to tell you. Then, apply these reflections to a compass to reshape how you set boundaries and priorities.
Confidence
Almost all the women leaders I work with express a desire for greater confidence. Yet, most can’t define what this really means. They just know they want to feel better than they do while navigating their professional lives.
When I prompt them to describe what a more confident version of themselves looks like in action, we start to find some clarity: More confidence might mean speaking up more in meetings or being more comfortable sharing their ideas.
And the truth is, nothing is stopping them from becoming this version of themselves except their own inner critic. Being more confident means setting ourselves free from that internalized negative self-talk.
Accomplishing this takes work and commitment. It starts with self-awareness: No matter how real this inner critic may feel, it’s nothing but stories. Once you recognize it for what it is, you can start to look out for it. When you catch it in the action of talking you down, cut it off and talk back. Give yourself a better narrative that is positive and reflects the confidence you want to embody.
Competence
What are you really good at? If you struggle to answer this question, know you are in the good company of thousands of other women – powerful, successful, inspiring women. Yet, most women can quickly tell you what they’re not good at.
If you’re among these women, try pivoting the question: What compliments do you get often? Or if you’re truly stuck, a strengths finder assessment may be worth the effort to lay some groundwork.
This self-knowledge can serve as a compass to drive how you prioritize your actions and inform what you delegate to others or say no to.
Courage
The first three C’s are about self-discovery – or as I like to call it, “me-search.” These are important steps, but ultimately, you have to take what you learn and put it into action.
I know it’s daunting. Even the most impressive leaders have challenged me with the sentiment, “How can I have courage when I’m still working on my confidence and combatting that inner self-talk?”
The secret is these are ongoing battles most of us are fighting all the time. With time and practice, you will get stronger and improve your ability to advocate for yourself (internally and externally). But the practice requires you to put those ideas into action.
This doesn’t mean you have to show up as a completely transformed version of yourself and slay your fiercest inner dragons from day one. Instead, ask yourself: What does just 10 seconds of courage look like for you?
Maybe it means declining the next invitation that comes your way that doesn’t align with your goals. Maybe it means speaking up in your next meeting. Maybe it means reorganizing your to-do list so that your personal priority is at the top.
Think of these small moments of courage as investments in yourself that will compound interest. Over time, they begin to add up to an improved day-to-day reality.
Your “I wish” can become your reality
Many women leaders struggle with feeling that they are not enough and there is nothing they can do about it – but nothing could be further from the truth! Through some honest “me-search,” you can address negative self-talk and false beliefs, and define a clearer, more focused path for yourself.
Always remember, you’re not alone in these feelings or this journey. Many other women, no matter how confident they may appear on the outside, have experienced these same feelings. If you want more support as you explore these questions, an ICF-credentialled coach can help.
