Over the past few years, the pandemic has sparked conversations about the many faces of grief. These conversations are important because they can pluck the griever out of isolation and foster a sense of shared experience.
But what happens when grief is disenfranchised – that is, when it is invalidated, deemed socially unacceptable or not publicly mourned? What is the impact of hidden or minimized grief in the workplace, and who might be most affected?
Loss is difficult for everyone. But for employees and colleagues from equity-deserving groups whose family definitions or mourning practices fall outside of familiar North American Christian approaches, grieving at work can feel especially taxing. It might be glazed over, misunderstood – or even scrutinized.
The push toward more inclusive work cultures requires grief to be part of the conversation. “In many ways, our grief intersects with our identity,” says Breeshia Wade, a grief expert and the author of Grieving While Black. “Loss can compound experiences of marginalization, such as being from an underrepresented racial group, being queer, or being disabled. If we want to better support those who are grieving in our lives, including in our workplaces, identity should be a core component of our considerations.”
Recognizing diverse family structures is crucial in the conversation about inclusivity and grief support. From a practical standpoint, how a workplace defines family not only shapes attitudes toward loss and empathy, but also determines what relationships are eligible for bereavement leave and benefits. Although definitions of family and leave policies may vary across provinces, there is a shared focus on immediate family such as spouses, children, parents, siblings, grandparents and grandchildren.
If places of employment don’t consider close relationships outside of traditional models of family, the griever may feel pushed into deeper isolation. For example, the emphasis on social cohesion and collectivism in many South Asian communities often means that extended family such as aunts, uncles, cousins as well as non-blood relatives such as neighbours, family friends and other valued players in the community can play important and expected roles in caregiving and care receiving.
“Recognizing diverse family structures is crucial in the conversation about inclusivity and grief support.”
In addition, many newcomers might be geographically distanced from their blood family, but forge deep emotional and practical ties with community members in their new home.
“In the 16 years that my family has lived in Saskatoon, I’ve learned that emptiness will always be a part of our immigrant experience. However, I’ve also found that sometimes people walk into your life and become your chosen family,” said Vaidehee Lanke of Saskatoon to the CBC. It’s not surprising that the University of Saskatchewan graduate, whose family immigrated from India to Canada when she was four, saw her neighbours as family.
Similarly, for those from the 2SLGBTQ+ community who are estranged from their biological family, a chosen family such as a support network of close friends can offer acceptance, care and connection in a way that is absent and inaccessible through blood ties.
However, if a worker is grieving a loved one who is not perceived as bona fide family by other staff, the true weight of that loss may be disregarded because of different definitions of closeness, attachment and expected responsibility. Employers, managers, colleagues and workplace cultures often dictate who we should be grieving, how deeply we should be shaken by loss, and what the parameters for appropriate mourning should be in both time and expression.
Honouring the uniqueness of grief
Another area that needs attention to build more inclusive places of employment is recognizing days of significance for the bereaved. Without regard for sacred times of mourning tied to different cultural rites and rituals, the grief process may be yet another form of marginalization in the workplace for those who already feel excluded.
“Grief is not something we can turn off, and in many cultures, mourning ceremonies and rituals are much longer than three days. In that way, our systems exclude and prevent most people from grieving and effectively mourning their loss,” said Registered Social Worker Michelle Williams in an interview with Dying with Dignity Canada.
Many employees find it daunting and uncomfortable (particularly during emotional times) to attempt to explain cultural customs to their employer in a way that can be understood, especially when days of significance occur many weeks or months after a death.
In Hinduism, for example, a ceremony called the Shradda takes place on the 13th day to mark that the soul has left the body. Similarly, many Buddhists will hold a mourning service on the 49th day after a death, as it is believed that this is when rebirth takes place. For some Buddhists, the mourning period is marked at 100 days. What that means for a worker is that they may need to step away from the office, or if they’re in the office, they may be reluctant to partake in certain activities.
If staff are aware that different time markers exist around mourning practices, misunderstandings can lessen and empathy can grow. For example, a worker who declines a department celebration months after a loss – whether they are present in the workplace or not – should not be assumed to be apathetic or a questionable team player. Instead, they may simply be choosing to honour the norms of their tradition, refraining from celebratory events until after a customary mourning period.
Working toward inclusivity
Grief and the support needed to move through it can be complex – especially at work. But a communal effort that includes managers and colleagues, not just HR professionals and health staff, can help create a much-needed cultural shift.
Changing workplace policies to extend their definition of family and offering benefits and/or support to workers who have lost other loved ones of significance can help.
It’s important to recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to bereavement and that not everyone who identifies with a family system, faith practice or cultural tradition experiences it the same way. That said, the desire to better understand, validate and accommodate diverse expressions of grief is a step toward building a more inclusive workplace.
