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“But I don’t know what I’m good at.” “I’m just doing my job.” “I don’t know how to market myself.” “I don’t know what makes me different from others.” The chorus of “I don’t know” echoes in my conversations with MBA students, coaching clients, friends and colleagues.
Regardless of background, culture, gender or experience, the struggle to identify (and celebrate) one’s unique edge – those personal strengths and distinctive qualities that set us apart in the professional world – is real.
Often, this comes from not having a solid self-reflection habit. Some do not engage in any reflective practice, while for others, the practice exists but skews negative. It’s like we’re hardwired to dodge a growth mindset, where we could see our potential, and instead get stuck in a self-critical, fixed mindset.
(Not sure how to help your clients find their root cause behind the “I don’t know’s”? Use the simple and effective “Five Whys” technique to help uncover it).
So, how can you help those you’re supporting tackle their “I don’t know-itis”?
In my work with MBA students, this theme cropped up so consistently that I’ve introduced a straightforward reflection exercise: the 3-2-1 (not to be confused with James Clear’s terrific 3-2-1 newsletter). We kick off every coaching session reviewing:
- What are 3 things you’re celebrating about yourself
- What are 2 things you’re noticing about yourself
- What is 1 thing you’re improving about yourself
Although a few students might liken their first experiences with the 3-2-1 to being forced to eat veggies – you know it’s good for you, but you don’t really enjoy it – the value it brings in clearing the fog of “I don’t know” is undeniable. And getting past the “I don’t knows’ is not only key to confident career navigation, but also thriving in life.
Here’s the magic behind each question, common response traps and how it should sound. These examples illustrate how I work through this with students, but you could use this exercise with other clients, or even for your own self-reflection.
Celebrating
We start with celebrating because it’s often the most neglected part of our self-reflection. Recognizing our victories, big or small, lays the groundwork for understanding what makes us special and unique. It’s about acknowledging our talents and strengths, and it often requires practice. That’s why you need to identify three.
Common traps:
- “I’ve got nothing to celebrate since last time.” Nope, not buying it. Every day has its wins; it’s all about keeping your eyes (and heart) open.
- The tendency to celebrate an event, not your contribution. Focus on the qualities you brought to the table.
Example:
- Instead of a simple “I’m relieved I passed my midterms,” get specific. Consider, “I’m celebrating how I managed my time and stayed resilient throughout the midterm season. Balancing intense study sessions with necessary breaks, I not only got through the exams but also learned how to handle stress more effectively.”
*Tip: If the word celebrating doesn’t resonate with you, try proud – or any word that frames your achievements positively. What are 3 things you’re proud of about yourself?
“We start with celebrating because it’s often the most neglected part of our self-reflection.”
Noticing
This part is all about listening to what’s going on inside you, even with all the outside noise. It’s about spotting those little things about yourself you might usually miss.
Common traps:
- Attaching a label of good or bad to your noticing. It should be a non-judgmental observation about yourself. A data point. It simply is.
How it might sound:
- Instead of just saying “I’m stressed about job hunting,” you might observe, “I notice I have anxiety around my job search. It’s interesting to see how much mental energy it takes up.”
Improving
We all have that list in our heads of things we think we need to fix or get better at. However, while self-development and growth are valuable, we need to be careful what weighting we give it. So, we only detail 1.
Common traps:
- Giving this one area of improvement more airtime than the previous 3 celebrations. Remember, we see what we focus on, so if all you focus on is how you need to improve, you’re never going to see what it is about you that is truly outstanding.
How it might sound:
- You could say, “I’m trying to get better at pausing before I respond in conversations.” It’s not just about fixing something; it’s acknowledging an area where you want to grow, without losing sight of the strengths you already bring to the table.
One coaching client applied this right after a nerve-wracking interview, sharing “The 3,2,1 really helped me not to jump right to the negative because I had to come up with the three things to celebrate first.”
And after 4-5 meetings with me last semester, my MBA students have each recognized 15 wins, noted 10 personal insights and identified 5 growth areas. Sure, there’s still some well-natured grumbling, but the breakthroughs and confidence gains are remarkable. Interestingly, many now show up to our meetings with self-reflections already in hand. It’s this proactive approach, this self-initiated dive into reflection, that’s truly turbocharging their career journeys.
Turns out, those metaphorical veggies do wonders for our personal growth healthy-eating plan.
Read more from Tiffany Baker on CareerWise: How to guide others to craft stories that stick
